random thoughts

~Sometimes to grow as an individual you have to conquer your fears. Its taking that small step and a push from your peers or coaches to get you there. I.e. skilton & crossfit

~Work hard, Stay clean, do right by others, keep your head held high and in the end something shall surely give. With a little integrity, self discipline and heart in this life time you will accomplish what ever your dreams hold true. Belief and faith in this life will get you farther than you ever imagine. The rest of life is nothing but details and lessons learned.

~Take each day as it comes, for it has a little hidden lesson in each moment. Don’t get caught up in trying to figure out the reasoning behind the lesson just live it.

~ Kindness of a stranger sometimes the most powerful feeling that touches the heart.

~Never forget where you came from, be aware of where you are and know what you want from the future.Life often throws out challenges which make it difficult to do so and make you want to give up. Never give up sometimes failure is actually succeeding, and you have to learn to follow before you can lead.Give to others and always be kind for it makes things better.

~Everything in life comes full circle and happens for a reason. The same goes for the people that come into our lives for they are no accident but intended to be there to help us either learn a lesson good or bad, or to be there in our time of need. They also give us inspiration for a brighter tomorrow or an Idea.

~In life I know I’m not the prettiest, the fastest, the strongest or the smartest individual out there, not that I lack any of these traits but they are not the most important. What I lack I try to make up in heart, compassion for others and life, courage and drive. I am but only one individual however one turns into two, two to three and three to many in efforts to make a difference. To promote change,to fight for others and to help them achieve or attempt what they want out of life.

~I’ve often lived by the image that I need to be strong, solid, never reveal my weaknesses or my emotions. A slight shed of tears in any form was a true sign of weakness and I always swore I would never let anyone see me shed tears. Yet another growing process learned from my new found friends in the last few months even some old that it is not always the case. Sometimes showing emotion proves your human after all and sometimes a slight shed of tears is a healthy outlet of release of inner stress/pain/troubles.

~Sometimes in life its the little things you do for someone that makes the world of a difference. Rather it be a cheer to keep pushing them beyond their limits, a hug and a moment of silence, a tissue to wipe the tears away,a smile or a song playing from the distance or even right in front of you, or your last dollar so someone can catch a ride home to see their loved ones. Everyday we have the opportunity to do so, So what are you going to achieve today in making things better for tomorrow.

~Food for thought today: love them for who they are, accept their flaws you may not like them but we all have them for no one is perfect. Respect is not always given but often earned;however always be courtesy even if you don’t like someone a slight hand of courtesy goes a long way. Nothing in life is free or owed to you. Hard work may take a while to pay off but if anything is worth it then you’llgain more out of the journey to get it, provided you did it the right way. Don’t be afraid to open your mind to new experiences, to show emotion I know that it is often hard to do so its taken me personally a long long time to do so, and whole heartedly give your heart to those in your life and everything you do.

~ I often wish  that I was a superhero most days for those in my life and for those whom I have not met yet. I know that I am not but anyone other than myself. With that said I can only be there for those in need when I can or at least try; even when they don’t need me. I can only offer support, encouragement, friendship, loyalty an open heart and an open mind, a shoulder to cry on and if the time comes to give my life for theirs I would with out question.

~My stubborn personality and always wanting to push myself to the next level often gets in the way and comes off as what I deem to be disrespectful. For it is not what I aim to achieve or do, but rather I want to contribute 100% to everything I do and contribute my best efforts to those in my life. Failure use to be one of my biggest fears or at least in the top 10, but crossfit and the coaches I’ve met throught crossfit have taught me something else. Some of our biggest failures are often our biggest successes in life. I have grown a lot in these last 6 yrs in this area but I have so much more growing to do. Life is about constant learning, and it doesn hurt to meet some great people along the way to help experience all it has to offer.

~In both the chemical and natural world there are things called chain reactions, often set off by physical force or by mixing two chemicals together. A chain reaction can also be considered an analogy for life and changes made as a result of that. At one point or another a light flicks on and reveals a series of things that just start to line up, it heightens ones awareness as to what they have failed to see inside their closed in box, opportunites araise and they have the ability to change for either the better with a positive and open minded attitude. The other is to stay confined in their closed in box and reminisce on what could have been but never striving for more. My moment was the end of a marriage, an injury that at one point I couldn’t walk more than a couple of steps and watching my future fly by as headed towards the end.Acceptance and realizing I needed to change has made a world of difference as I continue to work towards the future. I encourage everyone to settle for nothing less than your best. Failure is not failure but rather one step closer to success.

Baltimore

In these city walls lies the fears and tears
the hopes and dreams
Night skies and ocean breezes
sailing ships and midnight bliss


In these city walls the sounds of the streets play on
drums and vocals, lights and sirens
guitars and horns music plays on
crowds gather and fade, musicians arise and the talent grows on
it fills of heart and soul to never be forgotten


In these city walls games play on
Fields light up, stands of friends and foe gather
united and apart as one, no stranger among us
memories build on, new friends made and stronger it becomes
We in whole come together and forever will remember


In these city walls life goes on even in the after life
We are united as one

unease

As darkness comes I close my eyes to lay to rest my troubled mind
In the visions are no butterflies and moon lit sky's
but nightmares of Fire and lies to burden the subconscious mind
Silent screams awaken the soul memories flash forward to a life untold
The night unfolds furthermore off and on the mind fights once more
From good and evil it must endure the angels of light fight for their sight
Nightmares fade as the night begins to sway
Another day upon us now and the angels prevail to save us yet again from a mystery unknown.

                 Angie Henle performing at Sowebo Festival In downtown Baltimore. She's an amazing and inspiring musician. Check her out at www.facebook.com/angeliquehenle, you can also download her CD photograph on itunes. Better yet comeout to one of her performances see her live and pick up her CD while your there. Its awesome and more info about Henle at http://angeliquehenle.com/

Angelique Henle performing at Sowebo Festival

Angie Henle performing at Sowebo Festival In downtown Baltimore. She's an amazing and inspiring musician. Check her out at www.facebook.com/angeliquehenle, you can also download her CD photograph on itunes. Better yet comeout to one of her performances see her live and pick up her CD while your there. Its awesome

Life’s journey and remembrance

These past few months got me thinking about many aspects of my life and how I’ve changed grown as an individual. Much of it has been my life time experiences and persons in my life that have influenced me to be who I’ve become; the individual I wish to be for I am still far from who I want to be.

Life may not have dealt me with the best hand but I’ve done the best I can with what was given to me; taken every lesson to heart which in turn has often made me my own worst enemy at times. On countless occasions I’ve heard I am way too hard on myself, but someone has to be. I also know that I’m not perfect nor will I ever be, but I certainly try to give 100% and everything I can in whatever I do.  Many aspects of my childhood where rather unpleasant and unfortunate, however what doesn’t kill you can only make you stronger. Somewhere along the lines I found strength to get past it and move on with my life. Many things have driven me to overcome this past and I question how many lives I have for too many times I’ve encountered a brush with death.

In my short time here I’ve also had some experiences that I will never forget and the people I’ve encountered I will forever remember as well. In my tattoo I represent several of those one being my grandfather Claggett. Ronald Claggett a Marine, a musician and someone that helped me get into what I love over many things in my life. He believed in discipline, strong work ethic, his country and had passion in his music. The second person represented in my tattoo my late friend Catherine Weaver whom was killed in an arson fire almost 9 years ago in September. I met Catherine in middle school the daughter of one of my many favorite teachers Mrs. Judith Weaver.  Catherine and I were part of the same Civil Air Patrol group in Gainesville FL. She could literally light up the room with her amazing personality and always knew what to say to make your day a little better. She made me want to be a better person and never take life for granted. Her death affected many of us for she touched so many lives and ultimately changed mine. The cross between their initials represents them both, in addition to having hope and faith to believe that in the darkest of days there is a light at the end; things will get better it may take some time but they will get better.  The outline colors of that cross represents the thin blue line (Police) a career I’ve believe I am determined to do, for there is no greater gift in this world than giving your life to save another. The number 14 represents my high school basketball team for I’ve never met a better group of young women who ultimately felt like a sisterhood. On and off the court we succeeded together; our coach I also owe respect to for he showed me never give up and keep fighting in the end you will come out on top gaining respect with hard work. The last aspect of that number 14 it was my basketball number but something else the it represents my son. Many of you don’t know but at 23 I was pregnant towards the end of the pregnancy I miss carried. It was May 14^th 6 years ago when I lost Aiden skyler. Above the cross two music symbols which the orange and blue represent the Gator band, the notes themselves represent my sister whom I always looked up to. They also represent one of my former band directors Kathy lavay whom I was always impressed with and a true role model. I’ve had many great teachers over the years that have made an impact but I’ve known Lavay for a life time it seems and the reason I chose trumpet.

Now that I’ve explained the core in the second half of my life when I moved out to Northern VA I met many more amazing people. There are so many within the last six years of being out here that the list could go on and on. However two wonderful women Heather Lawson and Jamie Roberson, no two women can have such heart and ultimately give so much of themselves. They have been there so much for me and have helped me to not only accept my true self but to help me find it. The other person I met in March of last year Cindy Skilton. I speak fondly of her for the simple reason I’ve seen what most haven’t of her. A woman with so much drive, strength, heart, and overall amazing personality with which she’s helped push me to be better. Cindy has ultimately been my strength and inspiration the driving force towards my career goal of police officer. I see everything I’m not in her and the encouragement to overcome my fears and doubts. This past year she has saved me from a life time before and freed me, nothing I could ever do could repay her. I will forever be in her debt for she has given me so much no words could truly express how much this woman means to me.

Another thing Cindy gave me she brought me to crossfit Hammer Down in Chantilly. In a short time I have been blessed to workout amongst an amazing group of athletes and wonderful people overall. They are all wonderful and one particular athlete sticks out of all of them at 16 years old Darby Nelson truly an amazing athlete and individual. Who else can say that they can basically curl their body weight, in the crossfit open I was honored to see this young woman do some pretty remarkable things. Her personality encouraging and gives you the extra drive you need to succeed. She is the professor of the 6am sessions and I can see her being one of our great leaders of this country in the future.  Then again if it weren’t for Coach Todd K there wouldn’t be a Hammer Down so I can’t leave him out of it either your drive to change is inspiration to all of us to be better than ourselves. Cheryl it wouldn’t be a WOD without the WOOOHOO in the middle of a killer star seeing WOD such energy. Dancing Sarah and the spark to keep things going at the box.

For any I’ve left out I am blessed to have you all in my life, and look forward to many days ahead with you all as I continue on this journey called life. You all bring a little bit to the table and I hold what I’ve learned from each of you to heart. Life’s little lessons which will keep me on an amazing journey till the end.

Like

Hard Rain

As I fall to my knees I feel the warmth of the once soothing rain

Bringing me back to the nights of her touch as she nestled beside me

I gasp for air for a moment I keep breathing, just breathing

Now the rain chills as it pours ice into my veins

My heart grows numb as the icy rain shatters it into window pains

Every cell in my body breaks, as the world is against me a life line from within

Just keep breathing, keep breathing, keep breathing out

As the rain falls upon the beating earth the heart arises from the ashes within

For the moment the fire of lost and betrayal dries the teary eyes upon thy face

Bringing me back to the nights of passion as she draws closer in the mist of the moonlight

I gasp for air for a moment I keep breathing, just breathing

Now the rain heavy now upon thy heart, releases the flood gates as the tears begin to fall

Every cell in my body breaks, as the world is against me a life line from within

I gather my strength to hide behind thy walls

Just keep breathing, keep breathing, keep breathing out

As the rain falls upon my shoulder it can be read upon my face

The weight of the world on my shoulders heavy as the pouring rain

Shaking and gasping for air for a moment I keep breathing, just breathing

Won’t you lend a hand to pull me through, for we have things to do

For an instant in the falling rain I just get a glimpse of the living

Every cell in my body breaks, as the world is against me a life line from within

Just Keep breathing, keep breathing, keep breathing out

Great Falls Park

Jeff Hendrick Original Song - Under My Skin (On iTunes!)

  It was March 12th, 2010 when my life took a change for the better, I finally came to life and I have a very special person to thank for that. Last year I experienced many changes some that had to be done and some that got me to the point of crying myself to sleep at night. I shut down and gave up on life; I gave up on having hope and everyone around me. I have been blessed through many aspects of my life by knowing great and amazing people; having an assortment of natural gifts/talents that I've put forth effort to refine in my attempts to be the best person I could be. However out of everyone that has walked in and out of my life no one including a good friend of mine that lost her life 8 years ago truly compare to this woman. In her I see everything I am not and what I fear in my faults. We've experienced and been through a lot this past year. In all of that she has been the one by my side that gave me strength to believe I could go on, she believed in me and encouraged me to go outside of my comfort zone.  She has been one of my biggest support systems in my endeavors to become a police officer and a tender heart when I needed it most.

    Once in a life time you come across that special person that completes you and lightens up your life. Just the sound of her voice and a glimpse of her smile is all it takes to make my day a little better. For without her I'm nothing more than just a stranger in a crowd. She is my strength, my encouragement, my best friend and makes me the best I can be. She has freed me from a life time before and ultimately saved me, for that I owe her so much and will forever be in her gratitude.

Reflection

      Not to long ago I took yet another one of my trips up to Baltimore, upon where I found myself a lot lately. I made plans with my friend Ashley whom now i refer to as one of the Bmore girls. Also one of the many that I met via online dating, and one of the few I kept around as a friend for shes pretty cool to hang out with. Many of our adventures usually consist of a sudden down pour or some type of precipitation. We lucked out that day with a sunny day exploring Fort McHenry of which I had yet to see but have had a desire to since my move here. A great day that turned south not to long after returning to Virginia brought upon by a single phone call.
      A co-worker in distress after attempting to take her own life, an act that so many people in this world resolve to for they simply feel they can no longer continue in this life. I am not one to truly judge for I've been in that place, its a very lonely cold dark place to be. Being in that state of mind one only sees the mistakes, loses hope that there will ever be anything worth living for. They begin to feel that they would be doing others a service and a service to themselves by ending it all. For they have nothing left to offer and only want the quick easy way out, no one will notice. We all at one point or another are faced with this down fall or feeling that we are useless, that we don't matter. The message being we are all here for a reason young or old we have a purpose. At times we loose sight of that, and often do not know what our purpose is while we are here. With patience and time the answer will come. Never give up as hard as it is keep that in mind. Value and learn from the time you are here in this lifetime. Never take those that come into your life for granted for they too have a purpose, and often brought to you for a reason or when you need them the most.
           

Its a game

I drove for miles and miles trying to find myself and found you

You gave me strength and hope for a life time

I can feel myself giving up, I’m giving up

So I say this time wont you save me

Mile after mile the voices louder and louder they call

For you only see the worst in me, sometimes I think it just lurks in me

I would say that I’m done with it all and done with you

 But here I am so take me as I am, for I’m just going to say that it works for me

I love who I am and what I shall be

When I start to give up, and I can feel myself giving up

I say this time wont you save me

Sometimes I think it just nurtures me, and to keep it all real it starts to hurt

I start to take a long ride and walk away

You say that if I leave I won’t survive without you

So take me for who I am and not who I was

It’s a joke it’s a game why am I still keeping score

I’m in pain, sometimes you make it so hard I can’t breathe

So I say this time wont you save me

Seeing between the lines

             Often in life we get so caught up in our own blind ambitions that we loose the ability to read between the lines. We get trapped in a paradox which gives us false hopes in the effects of the smoke and mirrors. What we truly want in our relationships is sincerity, compassion, honesty and respect. Rather than take the risk it gets disguised in that of a friendship and our guards remain up, for how can we truly have everything we want so easily. Nothing is always as it seems, but we keep pushing for that perfect partnership as the friendship grows. We want more but fear the unknown, Do I take a risk to the next level with the friend? or Do I play it safe and suppress my needs to never disturb what is? Friendships and Partnerships always walk a thin line, for in our friendships we get so close to one another. Often we share more with our friends than our partners because we have a different mindset for them, a different trust, a different bond,  and no judgement in regards to what we share.