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Probably one of my longer blogs but lots to cover in it

  A few things for this entry an update as I'm sure your all wanting to hear from my check up yesterday, some questions about yoga and easy rehabilitation exercises,and lastly getting ahead of myself a dwelling for when I return to the area in Maryland preferably not to far from Baltimore or Northern VA. I always like to be prepared and have a game plan instead of waiting til the last minute and rushing around.

            Yesterday I had another check up which went for the most part well, I had some concerns I had to share with him so he added a profile to my normal blood work. Overall physical went well the downside none of us are content with my weight which is down 5lbs from the last time we saw him. Some of it maybe be due to how hard the last chemo treatment was on my system and the rest might be due to not eating enough calories. Eating the unhealthy food is just hard to go back to but I've been working on it because I really need to put on the weight. One of the nurses gave me an excellent cook book though called " Eating Well Through Cancer". It has all sorts of tips, recipes, etc to get through the various stages of treatment and ways to put on weight healthfully. 
            My next thing I want to start getting into yoga as I prepare for my return back to work, for if I am not physically ready I will not last long in the academy. Thus my dream of becoming a police officer will be shot down at least by that agency and it will take years to get on with any other agency which I known I just wont be happy with. Baltimore was my number one choice, followed by Prince William county, and Fairfax county PD. The reason for yoga right now I've tried just about any type of push up I could think of and can not lift myself off the ground once I'm on it. A lot of that is my core which is mainly one its very weak, and two I still have a mass in my abdomen. Then there is the weakness in my left leg which prevents me from doing fast pace walking much less jumping or running. What does yoga have to do with any of that I'm not sure, however I know that I want my body to be at inner peace with itself, to become more flexible, and find out what the overall benefits are from those whom actually do yoga.
       Lastly for those of you that have had to endure the not so joys of apartment hunting I'm sure you can appreciate why I want an early start. Its especially hard to find an apartment not only in a decent price range in that area but also one that has the amenities that your looking for. In my case I gave the roommate thing a fair shot more than once and this last time I just can't do it. Since it was this individuals home there were no issues as far as their share being paid but the inner drama that came with it. In addition to the late night guest, sheet thin walls ( we'll leave it at that), and just not as neat and orderly as I would like not a messy person. However we had different standards of clean, also I love animals but I just can not stand a cat on my counter tops or the table I eat off of.No offense to those of you whom can't help your kitties habits. We all know how stubborn cats can be.
      Things I'm looking for expanding the search it can be an apartment, small home, I don't even care if its a mobile home ( not a fan of them but a roof is a roof) my price range I really don't want to pay anything more than $650.00 a month. I have to keep utilities, security deposit, pet fee and cost of living in mind; while I'm in the academy I don't have time for a second job. Sundays at the animal hospital don't count really.The place must have parking available garage or assigned parking I just prefer it with the weird hours I'll be working, and its slightly safer. Large dogs must be accepted ( I'm not providing that Abby is a dobbie I'll never find a place then). A washer and dryer in the dwelling is a must, a microwave as well since my ex has mine. One to two bedrooms with one bathroom ( I have found that sometimes two bedrooms are cheaper than ones). Ceiling fans are a nice bonus, I don't care what floor I'm on and I prefer carpet over hardwood floors. I also don't rent out of peoples basements to me that's just weird.       
            I appreciate all of your help, prayers, and thoughts as usual. As far as time frame I don't have one yet. I am working on saving up every cent I can like I did when I started working many many years ago as a child with my little canister ( I use to be called the bank of the house). I'm selling my jeep this weekend so that's one less expense actually two because of the car insurance. Even though my parents are helping with my finances since I do not have an income its a reduction to what I will have to pay back once I am on my feet again with a steady paycheck. 
               Again I can not thank you guys enough for all your love and support. It means the world to me and I count my blessings each and every day.

                    Love,

           Autumn aka Nicole

Bucket List

It seems these days almost everyone of us has one of these. A list of things we want to do or accomplish before we exit this life and into the next. So here goes mine.
* for those I have already completed

1)Become a Police officer

2) * Save a life

3) Build on a Habitat for Humanity project ( actually multiple projects)

4) Make a difference in one or many lives


5) Reunite with and rebulid the friendship with Cindy Skilton.


6) Run in a half Marathon

7) Run in the Marine Corp Marathon

8) *Buy groceries for a stranger

9) *Give away Baseball tickets- I did this last summer where I had two tickets for the Yankees Orioles game, the expression on the kids faces was worth more than words could say.

10) Go rock climbing

11) Meet my younger brothers

12) * Learn to snow board- Thanks Supplies(aka Elena), Jeff & Joanne

13) Play for a symphony orchestra

14) Tour Europe: Places I mainly want to see are England, Scotland, Italy, New fin eland, China, Japan & Germany. Outside of Europe I want to visit Australia 

15) Compete in a Dance competition ( Hip-hop/ crump)

16) Reunite with the other side of my family ( Fathers side) and See my grandparents before they pass

17) Write a book

18) Go white water rafting

19) Travel across country with a group of my best friends ( I've traveled across much of the U.S. but would have a greater appreciation for it now as an adult, and enjoy all the U.S. has to offer)

20) Find that special someone, settle down and raise a family

21) Compete in a 3 on 3 basketball tournament to raise money for a special cause
 ( ex. big brothers big sisters, or raise money for the homeless)

22) Learn and be able to speak two other languages

23) Attend and perform in Gator Band Alumni Day

24) Compete in a surf competition outside of Hawaii

25) Compete in the crossfit games

26) Complete a documentary and enter in an amateur film festival

27) Graduate from Culinary school


28) Open my own restaurant

29) Save up to invest in a horse ranch for disadvantage youth ( my retirement plan- working with horses provides discipline, hard work and devotion. It also requires teamwork and respect which would show the kids there is a different side to life, a better side and place in this world.)

30) Learn how to ride motocross and compete in a race

31) Learn MMA Fighting and compete


32) Go on a cruise and tour the Caribbean Islands ( all of them)


33) Go Sailing


34) Plan and enjoy a mega weekend camping trip with a group of good friends near the water


35) Do tough mudder again with my older brother Heath ( I loved doing tough mudder with my friend ash the first time around shes an awesome teammate and buddy)


36) Spend a weekend mini vacation with my older sister just having fun getting to know each other no distractions just the two of us.

Cancer

       After three years of hard work and dedication I was finally in the police academy going after one of the top things on my bucket list becoming a police officer. I was eight weeks into my academy I had a close relationship with my classmates and advisors; still pretty much do have that bond for we were becoming part of the large family of Baltimore police officers. It was the first week of January a typical Thursday morning with no warning signs that anything was wrong and one week prior to us going to * EVOC in the middle of warm ups I collapsed. At which point I was transported to the hospital for what the on site EMT's thought was a collapsed lung or potential stroke based upon my symptoms. After spending 24hrs in the hospital still no answers to explain what was going on or what had happened. A week of feeling almost back to normal and downhill my health began to go. Two weeks of doctors appointments still no answers until the Sunday at the end of January I drove myself to Urgent Care in Reston VA. an x-ray and a CT Scan revealed legions on my spin, a large mass in my abdomen, and there it was the word Cancer. Cancer a word no one wishes to hear for it depending upon the person means life or death. I lay there with tears, for the first time I actually wanted my mother there a call I never thought I would make at least not that soon.
                Its been a few months and I admit at times it has been a challenge for my diagnoses has resulted in me moving back in with my parents. I've been working and supporting myself basically since I was fifteen, a strong independent individual capable of dealing with just about any situation and too proud to ask for help. My pride is often my drive to succeed in life but also my downfall. Cancer I openly admit was scary to hear at first but accepting it has shown me that its time to slowdown and start experiencing life for real. I've been told for years that I work to much and never take the time out for myself something that is going to change upon my return to Baltimore. I also have another shot at the academy this time with basically all the gear but what is in my locker at school, the matching water bottle, matching pens, and hopefully time to prepare physically I'll be set to go. My dream job and a chance to have a new out look on life one day at a time.
                      I've been very blessed with the support of my friends and family who've helped me get through this thus so far. I couldn't have asked for a better support system in my corner as continue on with my treatments. The past couple of weeks with my confinement to the house the lack of my independence has gotten the best of me and I find myself hyper sensitive and emotional. For the first time since I could remember even though I have a job when I get back I'm currently not working and haven't done so since the end of January. Not having my own source of income to pay my bills, to provide for myself sets my mind at unease. To that the stress this has placed upon everyone having cancer, the major life changes its brought on due to not knowing what tomorrow will bring its been very frustrating. In my frustrations I've lost sight of the blessings I've been fortunate enough to have in my life. My limitations placed upon me by my parents and my illness are hard to deal with and not having an escape or get away makes it even harder. These past couple of weeks I've struggled to fight but I know I cant give up. I have to many people counting on me to get through this and to many things in life I want to experience before I take that final leap.

random thoughts

~Sometimes to grow as an individual you have to conquer your fears. Its taking that small step and a push from your peers or coaches to get you there. I.e. skilton & crossfit

~Work hard, Stay clean, do right by others, keep your head held high and in the end something shall surely give. With a little integrity, self discipline and heart in this life time you will accomplish what ever your dreams hold true. Belief and faith in this life will get you farther than you ever imagine. The rest of life is nothing but details and lessons learned.

~Take each day as it comes, for it has a little hidden lesson in each moment. Don’t get caught up in trying to figure out the reasoning behind the lesson just live it.

~ Kindness of a stranger sometimes the most powerful feeling that touches the heart.

~Never forget where you came from, be aware of where you are and know what you want from the future.Life often throws out challenges which make it difficult to do so and make you want to give up. Never give up sometimes failure is actually succeeding, and you have to learn to follow before you can lead.Give to others and always be kind for it makes things better.

~Everything in life comes full circle and happens for a reason. The same goes for the people that come into our lives for they are no accident but intended to be there to help us either learn a lesson good or bad, or to be there in our time of need. They also give us inspiration for a brighter tomorrow or an Idea.

~In life I know I’m not the prettiest, the fastest, the strongest or the smartest individual out there, not that I lack any of these traits but they are not the most important. What I lack I try to make up in heart, compassion for others and life, courage and drive. I am but only one individual however one turns into two, two to three and three to many in efforts to make a difference. To promote change,to fight for others and to help them achieve or attempt what they want out of life.

~I’ve often lived by the image that I need to be strong, solid, never reveal my weaknesses or my emotions. A slight shed of tears in any form was a true sign of weakness and I always swore I would never let anyone see me shed tears. Yet another growing process learned from my new found friends in the last few months even some old that it is not always the case. Sometimes showing emotion proves your human after all and sometimes a slight shed of tears is a healthy outlet of release of inner stress/pain/troubles.

~Sometimes in life its the little things you do for someone that makes the world of a difference. Rather it be a cheer to keep pushing them beyond their limits, a hug and a moment of silence, a tissue to wipe the tears away,a smile or a song playing from the distance or even right in front of you, or your last dollar so someone can catch a ride home to see their loved ones. Everyday we have the opportunity to do so, So what are you going to achieve today in making things better for tomorrow.

~Food for thought today: love them for who they are, accept their flaws you may not like them but we all have them for no one is perfect. Respect is not always given but often earned;however always be courtesy even if you don’t like someone a slight hand of courtesy goes a long way. Nothing in life is free or owed to you. Hard work may take a while to pay off but if anything is worth it then you’llgain more out of the journey to get it, provided you did it the right way. Don’t be afraid to open your mind to new experiences, to show emotion I know that it is often hard to do so its taken me personally a long long time to do so, and whole heartedly give your heart to those in your life and everything you do.

~ I often wish  that I was a superhero most days for those in my life and for those whom I have not met yet. I know that I am not but anyone other than myself. With that said I can only be there for those in need when I can or at least try; even when they don’t need me. I can only offer support, encouragement, friendship, loyalty an open heart and an open mind, a shoulder to cry on and if the time comes to give my life for theirs I would with out question.

~My stubborn personality and always wanting to push myself to the next level often gets in the way and comes off as what I deem to be disrespectful. For it is not what I aim to achieve or do, but rather I want to contribute 100% to everything I do and contribute my best efforts to those in my life. Failure use to be one of my biggest fears or at least in the top 10, but crossfit and the coaches I’ve met throught crossfit have taught me something else. Some of our biggest failures are often our biggest successes in life. I have grown a lot in these last 6 yrs in this area but I have so much more growing to do. Life is about constant learning, and it doesn hurt to meet some great people along the way to help experience all it has to offer.

~In both the chemical and natural world there are things called chain reactions, often set off by physical force or by mixing two chemicals together. A chain reaction can also be considered an analogy for life and changes made as a result of that. At one point or another a light flicks on and reveals a series of things that just start to line up, it heightens ones awareness as to what they have failed to see inside their closed in box, opportunites araise and they have the ability to change for either the better with a positive and open minded attitude. The other is to stay confined in their closed in box and reminisce on what could have been but never striving for more. My moment was the end of a marriage, an injury that at one point I couldn’t walk more than a couple of steps and watching my future fly by as headed towards the end.Acceptance and realizing I needed to change has made a world of difference as I continue to work towards the future. I encourage everyone to settle for nothing less than your best. Failure is not failure but rather one step closer to success.

Baltimore

In these city walls lies the fears and tears
the hopes and dreams
Night skies and ocean breezes
sailing ships and midnight bliss


In these city walls the sounds of the streets play on
drums and vocals, lights and sirens
guitars and horns music plays on
crowds gather and fade, musicians arise and the talent grows on
it fills of heart and soul to never be forgotten


In these city walls games play on
Fields light up, stands of friends and foe gather
united and apart as one, no stranger among us
memories build on, new friends made and stronger it becomes
We in whole come together and forever will remember


In these city walls life goes on even in the after life
We are united as one

unease

As darkness comes I close my eyes to lay to rest my troubled mind
In the visions are no butterflies and moon lit sky's
but nightmares of Fire and lies to burden the subconscious mind
Silent screams awaken the soul memories flash forward to a life untold
The night unfolds furthermore off and on the mind fights once more
From good and evil it must endure the angels of light fight for their sight
Nightmares fade as the night begins to sway
Another day upon us now and the angels prevail to save us yet again from a mystery unknown.